


Words Said in Anger

by nawsies



Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Arguing, Fluff and Angst, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Miscommunication, Nightmares, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Shangst Week 2017, ish
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-26
Updated: 2017-06-26
Packaged: 2018-11-19 05:08:13
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,920
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11306310
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nawsies/pseuds/nawsies
Summary: Shiro has a nightmare, Lance tries to help, Lance doesn't.





	Words Said in Anger

The last droid disappeared in a blaze of blue just before it hit the ground. Lance exhaled heavily as he lowered his rifle, pausing for a moment to get his heartrate under control. Slowly he let the thoughts of his teammates in danger, that drive which fuelled his training, fade away. He rolled his neck to the left and right, deactivated his bayard and made to leave, when all of a sudden familiar arms wrapped round his waist and the room started spinning around him.

“Nice work Sharpshooter!” Shiro exclaimed. His voice was light with laughter as he spun Lance round, hoisting him up like he weighed nothing at all.

“Shiro!” Lance squealed. He grabbed on tight to Shiro’s arms and tried to sound serious and commanding. The hysterical laughter may have ruined his composure a bit. “Put me down! I’m disgusting and sweaty, and stop! Kissing! My! Neck! You dork!” 

Shiro dutifully dropped him back down, spinning him round so they were face to face and his hands moved to clasp Lance’s waist. “That was some amazing shooting.”

“I bet you say that to all the boys,” Lance teased.

“I’ve never seen anyone handle a rifle like you.”

“Are we talking about my sniping or my…” Lance was cut off when Shiro clapped his hand over his mouth. Lance waggled his eyebrows at him over his hand. He knew that he couldn’t have upset him too much since Shiro was still grinning.

“Your sniping,” Shiro stated, lowering his hand slowly, Lance seized the opportunity to take it and intertwine their fingers. Standing as they were, Lance felt like they were about to break into a waltz and he absently wished there was a voice control to get music to play. “Although the other thing isn’t too bad.”

“Maybe we should be practising that,” Lance winked, “’not too bad’ isn’t good enough.”

Shiro laughed. “I’ll hold you to that later. No time right now, I came to get you because we’re heading down to Trepia, it’s got a trading port that Coran thinks might have some parts for the Castle. I thought you might like another venture to a Space Mall?”

“Sounds like fun, good chance to take my girl out for a spin,” said Lance, “but I get to take you out for a spin later right?”

“Oh my god,” Shiro muttered exasperatedly, he stepped away and tugged on Lance’s hand, “cold shower time.” 

 

* * *

 

The trip to Trepia was a success. Coran got his parts, and his haggling to get them was apparently so impressive it would put a Bachovian to shame. Lance was honestly afraid to ask what a Bachovian was.

Trepian technology was mind-blowing. Pidge was ecstatic to be shown round research facilities and giddy with joy for the rest of the day as they gushed to anyone who would listen about what they had seen.

Hunk picked up enough edible food to last them a month at _least_. He talked for half the day with army chefs, who had a hundred and one tricks for making nutritionally dense food that didn’t taste like food goo.

Keith was invited to race hover-bikes, Keith won his first race on an alien hover bike and ‘glory never tasted so sweet’.

Allura got to join in the fun this time, landing the Castle and venturing out into the marketplace. She found an instrument that was baffling to the Paladins but Coran recognized instantly, Allura was apparently a master of it. When she played for them, it reminded Lance of whale song and he buried his head under Shiro’s arm to hide his tears.

Lance and Shiro spent the day together, goofing off and enjoying the space market for the adventure it was. They dressed each other up in the goofiest space outfits they could find, they danced together under the permanent shooting stars that shot through this planet’s sky, they reveled in each other’s company, away from battle sirens and training drones.

It should’ve come as no surprise that their happiness wouldn’t last.

 

* * *

 

Lance was drifting in and out of sleep. It was nothing unusual, he often struggled with the hum of the Castle, the impenetrable darkness in the rooms that threatened to snuff him out like he never existed. Night wasn’t kind to him, especially when it was artificial.

He was pulled from what little rest he was achieving by Shiro’s harried breathing. Lance jolted upright. The room’s soft evening light came to life with his motion.

Shiro’s face was pulled tight, his pain and grief and guilt was clear.

Lance gripped Shiro’s shoulders and shouted his name, shaking him slightly to try pull him out from wherever the Galra still managed to keep him prisoner.

Lance grimaced. He had to do something but he didn’t know what. He hadn’t exactly had a crash course in helping a boyfriend with PTSD sleep through the night. Most times Shiro woke himself up, this didn’t seem to be most times. He took a deep breath, praying to whoever was listening that this was the right thing to do, leaned over Shiro, brought his hand back, and smacked it across his cheek. Shiro’s eyes snapped open, wide and frightened like a startled animal.  

“It was a nightmare Shiro,” Lance cupped Shiro’s cheek in his hand and turned his face to look at him. “You’re in the Castle, with me, I’m here.”

To his surprise, Shiro hurtled out of his grip and vaulted off the bed, landing soundlessly on the other side of the room. Always a warrior even when panicked out of his mind.

“Get out,” Shiro snarled. His arm was flickering with purple light and although Lance was sure he wouldn’t attack him it was clearly a threat and one he didn’t want to test. But he couldn’t just leave Shiro while he was hurting.

“What do you mean?” Lance asked. He didn’t know what to make of Shiro’s rage; if Shiro was stuck living some memory and didn’t recognize him, or if waking him had been a terrible mistake.

“I said get out Lance,” Shiro snapped. His hands were shaking, with fury or fear Lance didn’t know. “It’s not that complicated.”

“I just want -” Lance started. He rose off the bed and made to move towards Shiro, who stepped back until he hit the vanity.

“To play hero, yeah I get it. Fix the broken soldier, get some badge of honour for it.” Shiro released a jagged breath, his expression was twisted with disgust. “Just get out.”

“Why won’t you let me help you?” Lance demanded. He knew that he should be patient, but there was patience and there was being a doormat and Shiro was starting to really piss him off. “Do you want to be in pain like this?”

“I won’t let you because you can’t help me Lance.”  

“I’m trying to do the right thing!” Lance put his hands on his chest. “I know I’m not perfect but I am doing my best to work this out.”

“Well you bumbling around hoping to stumble across the right answer isn’t going to do anything!” Shiro snarled. His prosthetic fist slammed against the mirror and the sound of cracking glass was the percussion to Shiro’s anger. “When will you accept that you can’t fix me? You’re not some miracle fix, you’re not going to hug away my past. You can do nothing to erase what they did to me. You will never be good enough to heal me.”

Lance flinched. There was Shiro’s heavy breathing. There was glass still falling from where Shiro held his fist against the broken mirror. There was seven years of bad luck in that room all congested in seven seconds.

“Right,” Lance’s lips were pulled tight into something that seemed like a mockery of his usual smile. He said something else, that might have been ‘I see’ or could’ve been ‘fuck me’ but either way it didn’t matter because he grabbed his jacket, turned on his heel and stormed out. The Castle doors couldn’t be slammed in any kind of satisfying way but the noise Lance made marching down the halls more than made up for that.

 

* * *

 

Shiro did fall asleep again that night, it was deep and dreamless and it put a lid on that yawning emptiness inside of him. When he woke, his rage had left him. He had also slept through breakfast. He was glad that today was a rest day or Allura would have his hide.

He spun himself to sit at the edge of the bed, when he saw the shattered glass scattered on the floor he felt his heart sink. That wasn’t more of the nightmare then.

“Shit,” Shiro whispered. He gripped at his hair and leaned back. “Shit, shit, shit!”

Curse his foolish pride. He let out a heavy breath and dropped his hand into his lap. He couldn’t believe he’d said those things. As he remembered them, they seemed to hang in the air around him, he rose from the bed, tossed his clothes on and left. He couldn’t bear the weight of the air in there. He hesitated in the hallway, unsure of where to go. He found himself heading towards the kitchen, Lance didn’t like being alone and Hunk had truly set up the dining area as his domain.

When he entered the dining hall he was surprised to find the atmosphere was as heavy as in his room. Usually it was the easiest place to breathe in this whole Castle. It would be filled with Hunk’s easy humming, the team’s banter, it was where they bonded over food fights and talked about cool new things their Lion’s had shown them. It was the one room in the Castle where they put aside their armour and their duty and just, lived.

Lance was nowhere in sight but Hunk was there, turning to face him the second Shiro stepped through the door. Hunk was an incredibly expressive person. His smile could probably melt the heart of a battle hardened Galra general, it made Kolivan smile at least. Shiro was just now realizing that he had never seen Hunk truly mad, had never seen him with a face like steel, unyielding and cold. It was completely jarring when Shiro was so used to his carefree joy, so much so that he found himself stepping back towards the door.

  You,” Hunk started, his fist clenching at his side, he sucked his lips in and looked to the ceiling as though it would give him answers. “You’re my commanding officer so I won’t say what I want to say.”

“Come on Hunk, you know the team doesn’t work like that,” said Shiro, his voice exhausted and strained. He couldn’t bear putting a wedge between himself and two of his teammates in less than twelve hours.

“Even despite that, it’s not my relationship, it’s not my place to say anything about this.” Hunk turned back to his creation. None of the tension left Hunk’s shoulders. He was rigid and imposing and Shiro appreciated that he had never quite given Hunk as much respect as he deserved.

Shiro stood awkwardly in the doorway, not quite sure whether to stay or go and suddenly aware that he had no idea what to do with his arms.

“Actually, you know what, nevermind, he’s my best friend, I gave you the shovel talk, you knew this was coming if you messed up.” Hunk spun back to him, a metal spoon in hand which he poked aggressively in Shiro’s direction. “How dare you say that to him?”

Shiro didn’t have an answer. “What do I do to make it right?”

“Apologizing seems like a good place to start. You fix your mistake,” Hunk said, each word its own kind of blow. “And don’t you dare leave him hurting like this.”

Shiro nodded. “I won’t.”

“Just so you know,” Hunk added, Shiro paused in the doorway. “Even when he was mad as hell at you, he was still beating himself up that he left you alone while you were hurting.”

Something inside Shiro twisted.

 

* * *

 

Lance was a bumbling fool. He didn’t want to be. He’d wanted to ask Coran about this; Alteans seemed to be a warring society, if even Altean children were so battle-ready, and there had to be consequences of the things they experienced. But Shiro didn’t want anyone knowing about the night-terrors, he said he didn’t want anyone thinking less of him. Lance knew that Shiro regretted even allowing Lance into his bed, that the only reason he did was that not letting Lance in would show just as much of a problem.  

Lance beat his head back against Blue’s paw. “What am I playing at Blue?” He asked. He felt her trying to console him but she was at a loss for what to do, just as much as he was. He chewed on his lower lip to stop it quivering. This was pathetic.

Shiro was right. Maybe that’s what hurt the most. Lance did want to prove something, he thought that he was proving that Shiro was stronger than he knew, that no matter how much you hurt there was always hope for healing, but maybe he was just looking for some badge. Lance tugged his legs to his chest and wrapped his arms round them, his cheek rested on his knee. Maybe he did hope that he’d be enough to help Shiro.

He had known the risks, that Shiro was hesitant to let anyone into his life more than he had to. That he was selfless and kind and wanted to protect others far more than he wanted them to protect him. Lance respected that, it sounded all too familiar, and maybe that meant that they were too volatile to make this work. If they both kept throwing themselves under the bus for the other, how were they supposed to go anywhere?

Lance’s shoulders shook. He turned his face to press it between his knees and pulled them tighter to himself. He was exhausted, his head was aching, his nose was probably as bright as the Red Lion, his skin felt disgusting, he was completely drained of everything he had and he just wanted to go to bed, but his room was too lonely and their room was…theirs.

Shiro found Lance like that, hunched up, so incredibly small next to the Blue Lion. He made his way over and sat just out of arms reach. He was surprised to find Blue communicating with him, commanding him to make it right. When the giant sentient robot tells you you’ve fucked up, you know you’ve fucked up big time.

“So,” Shiro started, afraid that all the wrong words would spill out, “I think we need to talk.”

“You know, I think I’m happy moping for a bit longer.” Lance said without looking up.

Shiro clenched his eyes shut, he felt completely out of his depth. “I didn’t mean what I said.”

“Doesn’t make it hurt any less.”

“I know,” Shiro sighed. “I know and I’m sorry…”

Lance sat up, stretching his legs back out and resting his head against Blue. He caught Shiro’s eye and his soft smile stopped Shiro mid-sentence. “I’m sorry too.”

“We kind of messed that one up, didn’t we?”

“Yeah.” Lance nodded. “You could say that. I don’t know where to start, I shouldn’t have woke you up, I shouldn’t have gotten mad at you, I definitely shouldn’t have stormed out like that. You were right, I’m just bumbling round looking for an answer. But you’re wrong, I do know that I can’t fix you.”

“Thank you,” Shiro said, “I wish I could promise that it won’t happen again but…”

“Kashi, I knew exactly what I was signing up for. If you want me to sleep in another room, I’m happy to. I’m sorry for pushing that.”

“I’m OK with sleeping beside you. Just sometimes, I don’t want your help. Last night, I was afraid you’d think I was weak and I tried to be strong in the worst way, and I want to promise you that I won’t hurt you like that again but, I can’t make that promise.”

“But I can promise not to let you hurt my like that again,” said Lance, the words full of conviction. “Next time you tell me to get out, I’ll go. So long as you promise to also tell me when you want me to stay.”

Shiro nodded sharply, “I can do that.”

“If this is the kiss and make up stage,” Lance said, his voice was still raw. “Can I please have a hug?”

Shiro had him scooped up in his lap and his arms wrapped round him faster than he knew was possible.

“Please be patient with me,” Shiro breathed, holding Lance as tight as he dared.

“You put up with pick-up lines, I can put up with some post-traumatic stress,” Lance shrugged. When Shiro didn’t laugh he grimaced. “Poor taste?”

“Just a little.”

“Well, I know I asked for the cuddle but I need to go wash away the sadness. Up you get.” Lance patted Shiro’s back and smiled softly when Shiro nuzzled his face in the crook of Lance’s neck.

“Not just yet,” Shiro murmured, “just let me stay here a little longer.”

“As long as you need Kashi,” Lance blinked away the burning in his eyes, happy tears this time, and ran his fingers through Shiro’s hair, “as long as you need.”

**Author's Note:**

> At first this was going to be so much more from Shiro's POV but then, Lance happened. 
> 
> Feel free to come chat to me about these boys, my writing, or prompt me, or anything else over at [tumblr](http://dreamsofbooksandmonsters.tumblr.com/) or [twitter](https://twitter.com/nawsies?lang=en)


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